On Sept 4th 2014 I went in for my planned induction for my 10th delivery. Arrived at 6am only to be told they basically wouldn't be starting anything with induction til NOON!! ugghh...I needed 2 bags of antibiotics for Group B strep *only the 2nd time I have tested positive for it in all my pregnancies. Well noon came and the anesthesiologists got called into an emergency c-section so that would put off me getting my epidural *they put that in first for me cause of my severe damage to my L5-S1* ....2pm is when they finally got to me. Put it in and pretty much everyone vanished..ugghh at 5pm a student Dr came in *my Dr is a head teacher for UT medical college* anyways, this fact actually ended up frustrating me cause every time a student Dr would come in I got told DIFFERENT information. Ugghh....anyways at 5pm one Dr came in and said "Why isn't she on Pitocin?" That's right for the last 3hrs they thought I was on pitocin...NOPE!! So they finally got me on pitocin and started induction at 5pm *11hrs after I got there* btw I hadn't eaten anything since 3am that morning and of course no drinking or anything since I was at higher risk for c-section.
My induction took forever I swear, finally at 10:12pm I delivered Larson Dale Mitchell weighing in at 7lbs 14oz, in half a push and just as cute as could be. After I delivered him I felt AMAZING. I was then moved a couple hrs later into my room. The nurse asked me if I needed anything for pain, NOPE I felt great!! No problems or pain what so ever.
I mentally knew it would bother me somewhat. Cause it is closing a chapter in my life.
Then I guess about 11:30 am one of the student Dr came in and said a patient had drank her Starbucks coffee so they were having to put off her c-section. That meant they could do my 30 min surgery. My hubby arrived from home about 11:50 am since he had been there watching the other kids. They wheel me back into the OR at noon. The anesthesiologist did a cold test on my belly *I had an epidural* to see where I could feel cold and where it just felt like something touching me. The anesthesiologist said we were all set and I remember one of the nurses asking him if he wanted to do a sharp test and he said NO that he was fairly confident I was deadened.
So the surgery began. Instantly, I felt pain, I told them it hurt, they thought It was just pressure but let me tell you it was not just pressure, It was pure PAIN!!! I kept trying to focus on other things, trying to joke with the Drs and nurses, but at times I would just cry nonstop which would make my belly tighten and then I would feel them pull it apart again, I could feel every pull, tug, push, move of organs, clip and cut. I wanted to reach over the drape and get their hands off my tummy. My arms weren't tied down so I could have but by then I think I was completely frozen with fear.
The anesthesiologist kept pushing epidural meds cause I could feel the cold liquid go down my back but I didn't feel any relief from pain, then he would push meds through my IV and I would feel calmer for about 2-3 min then bam back to reality. I remember the anesthesiologist asking me if I wanted to be put out. I said NO, cause when he asked me that I heard my Dr say there was about 15 min left...I thought to myself heck 15 min is not worth my throat hurting for days at this point. *My Dr told me that me hearing that, was him telling the head anesthesiologist how much time was left cause by that point the head anesthesiologist came into the OR and did a numb test to discover that I wasn't numb AT ALL!! So the entire surgery I truly felt it ALL!!!! *My Dr said the head anesthesiologist really reamed the anesthesiologist I had cause that meant for 1.5 hrs I felt 100% pain!!! I was awake for my surgery!! If you remember my surgery was supposed to be 30 min so how did we get to 1.5 hrs ..well my Dr said my right tube tore away from my body, so they ended up taking about 2-3xs more tube than they normally do and then my left tube had adhered to some areas on my left side, so they had to make a larger incision and really work to do the surgery.
Imagine laying on the table feeling your heart and soul being ripped, tore, pulled out of your body. That is how it felt. As I said the surgery was already mentally hard for me then, to actually feel this being ripped from me has been traumatic. Mentally, I feel as though I was punished for having the surgery, I am mad, hurt, frustrated and scared cause of what I went through, I can still feel every single movement inside my tummy and the cuts, the pulling, there are no words to really describe it, I just felt as though every ounce of breathe of who I am has been stolen from me with me watching and not able to stop it.
Physically the pain is something we really still have not got on top off 100% ...some days my pain is a 4 then at night it shoots to an 8. My right side is really torturous with pain, imagine a runners cramp in your side that wont go away times 20. I now am having trouble controlling my bladder and I have never had this problem before!!!! I am having to wear female diapers right now which are humiliating and just adding to my frustration and mental anguish! I can't leave my house for 40 min, I can't take my kids out to ride their bikes or go to the park. So not only am I fighting pain that doesn't seem to go away, I am like a baby myself that has to be home at all times in order to not pee myself. I feel such shame for this. Nothing has helped regain any control at this point.
I called my Dr last week and I go on Tuesday the 16th to see if we can't figure out what is going on. I started crying trying to explain to the nurse what all was going on..she asked me if I was depressed..Ummm NO I am not depressed I am PISSED!!! I am MAD, I am ANGRY, I am HURT!!! All from the surgery NONE from having a baby!!!! There is a difference!!!! Let's see how great you feel if you have unbearable pain, pee yourself all the time cause your body just releases without any warning, the fact laying your new baby across your belly HURTS!! a sheet on your tummy HURTS!! The fact you remember everything that happened in your 1.5 hrs of Pure hell that you relive over and over and over again!! I am not depressed I feel cheated out of a happy birth for my last pregnancy and happy closure to that chapter when there is no reason for me NOT to have had this!! It was stolen from me.
I keep crying and feel like I have failed my family. I let this happen to me and now I am having to live with it. I feel very alone even though I know I am not. My poor hubby has been trying so hard to help me through all this. He wishes I had never said I would do it cause it would have been easier for him. Believe it or not I am actually getting better I just really can't talk about what happened or I start crying uncontrollably.
I decided to go ahead and share my story with ya'll so ya'll would understand I am human and I too have things that happen in my life that throw me down. I will get up!! I will be stronger! I know this!!! I will hopefully be posting more each day that comes.
PS I do want to say I am MUCH better today than I was yesterday!!! I am healing and becoming stronger and who I am supposed to be every day!! A week ago I couldn't post how I felt! Today I can cause I am moving past those feelings. I wanted to share them as a way to heal and also to show others I too have had to fight my way back from a low place. I believe everything happens for a reason and while I do not understand the WHY and it is not my place to ask WHY but rather FIGHT to be WHO I WANT TO BE!!! :) and of course baby snuggles (from ALL my babies) sure make it better!!